Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
