have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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