Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
