If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize