Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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