In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize