Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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