Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
