I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
