Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
