I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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