Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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