we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize