I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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