Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
