I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Are my feet made of real feet?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
How does it feel to date your dad?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
