you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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