Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
