that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize