my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Randomize
