I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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