Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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