Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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