so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We had sex on a dog bed..
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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