it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
