I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize