But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
