you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize