Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Randomize
