I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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