He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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