Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
