I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
