I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
