I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
