Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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