i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
