I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
