I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
