Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
