he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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