I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
