Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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