Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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