Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
