It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
