ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
