I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize