My liver just broke up with me...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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