Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
