college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
