we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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