I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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