I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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