I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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