i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
