You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My liver just had a heart attack.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
