I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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