Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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