Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
