I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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