I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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