I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Randomize