Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
