1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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