I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
