Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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